


And words wait bluecold

by psychomachia



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 10:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8887009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychomachia/pseuds/psychomachia
Summary: The Emiya men aren't big on communication, though he guesses somewhere out there, there's a Shirou proving him wrong by actually talking to his loved ones. Shirous are naive like that in the beginning.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magicasen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicasen/gifts).



No one who ever participated in the Grail War ever said the Grail War was a simple thing. Those outside it, the vast majority of the Mages and members of the Church who were made aware of it, tended to simply view it as seven masters, seven servants and only one pair left standing at the end. However the battle was fought, in the end, a wish would be granted for whatever was desired.

Those who studied a little more about the War, who took the time to actually research it, said it was a bit more complicated. More than seven servants could be summoned, depending on the whims of the Grail and not every master who started with a servant would end with the same one nor would every servant, the same master. And wishes, though presumably granted, must have been strange ones indeed, for they seemed to never go quite right.

Those who fought in the War and managed to live through it said that the War was an intensely stupid thing with no set rules or boundaries and honestly, anyone could participate in it if they wanted to. But most people didn't listen to Lord El Melloi II when he started rambling about it.

It was probably a great shame that Kiritsugu never had the chance to hear this, Emiya mused, as he stared at Kiritsugu's rather shocked face upon his manifestation in the summoning circle. Because he might have been less surprised that things were about to become highly irregular.

"I imagine," he said, as his father looked over to Irisviel, who bore the same look of confusion, "that you were expecting someone else."

* * *

Somewhat later, after the dust is cleared and Kiritsugu has had the opportunity to yell and not taken it, and the Old Man has had a rather pointed conversation with him about the utter failure of this summoning, Emiya finds himself lounging on a couch while Kiritsugu sits upright and stone-faced in front of him. Somewhere in the distance, he thinks he hears Ilyasviel yelling that Kiritsugu is an idiot for not taking her outside after he promised and Irisviel's vain attempts to calm her down.

Family is nice.

"So," Emiya says and lazily stretches in a deliberate attempt to get some reaction out of his father, "clearly I am not King Arthur. Though maybe I am, due to my overwhelming memory loss."

And there's the reaction as Kiritsugu frowns. "How did you know about the summoning?" Suspicion immediately and that's what Emiya was expecting.

"I've met King Arthur before. And even if you had summoned the correct servant, you still would have been surprised. Given that she's a woman."

Kiritsugu shakes his head. "I thought you said you had memory loss." He's getting annoyed at him, which is perfect.

"Oh, my mistake. I mean, I must have been told that somewhere. At some point in time. By someone."

"So you do know who you are."

He'd love to have played the amnesia game with Kiritsugu, but unlike Rin, the charade wouldn't have lasted long even if he had put some actual effort into it. Kiritsugu's too suspicious and nosy to buy it and he's only got so much time after all to put his plan into motion. "I do, but I'm not telling you."

Actual anger now. This is the Kiritsugu he's never seen but that Kirei and the others all talked about. "I could force you to."

"You could waste a command seal," Emiya says, "and I'd have to give up a name, but then you'd be at a disadvantage going into this when you already have one in the fact that you didn't get Saber, you got Archer instead."

Kiritsugu pauses, probably about to actually raise his voice. He looks a little defeated, actually, and Emiya starts to feel a little bad. His father's not used to his plans going wrong, he thinks. "Is that true?"

He confirms it. No reason not to. "Yes," he says. "And if you have enough patience to have a conversation with me, I'll even give you my true name by the end of it."

His father looks wary again. "I could find it on my own."

"No," he says, and this is the first part that hurts. "You won't find me anywhere."

* * *

He can tell his father doesn't want to make the deal. Kiritsugu's never been one for conversations, but come to think of it, neither has he. The Emiya men aren't big on communication, though he guesses somewhere out there, there's a Shirou proving him wrong by actually talking to his loved ones. Shirous are naive like that in the beginning.

"If I talk with you," Kiritsugu says, and man, does he stumble on the word talk, "you'll tell me the truth at the end of it."

"This is how this conversation will work. You'll figure out why I'm here and what I want, and I'll tell you exactly who I am. And then--". He stops. It's always important to pause for dramatic effect with an Emiya.

"And then?" He knows his father doesn't want to take the bait, but what choice does he have? None since Emiya designed it that way.

"Then you decide what you want to do about the Grail War.”

This is the gamble that Emiya takes, he knows. Some would say that the easiest solution would be to just give up on Emiya. Use up command seals to get information, dissolve the contract, steal another servant, anything but play a hand that's clear to lose. But Emiya knows his father and his father doesn't give up.

“Fine,” Kiritsugu says. “But this ends tonight.”

“Great,” he says, smirking again. “I'll cook dinner when we're done. I can't trust you to do it. And when was the last time the castle was cleaned?”

Ah, confusion from Kiritsugu again. But honestly, if it weren't for the homunculi in the castle, Emiya's pretty sure Kiritsugu would be living in a ball of dust, eating crumbs off the floor. He's not capable of taking care of himself.

“So why are you here?”

Right to the point, Kiritsugu. “That's not how this works,” Emiya says, “A conversation has two people, not just one talking at the other one.” Saber did say that his father never did talk to her, and he's now seeing the difference between Emiya talking to his son and a servant. He makes a mental note to apologize to Saber for his dad. And probably apologize to Ilya too, who apparently must be his sister, judging from the cries of how stupid her father is.

He looks at Kiritsugu with some pity. “Why don't we start with a simple question? The most obvious one?”

Kiritsugu sighs. “Why did you materialize and not King Arthur?”

Taking the bait again, Dad? How generous of you. “Normally in a summoning, you use a catalyst, right? Something to get the servant you want.”

“Yes,” he says reluctantly. “We used Avalon, the scabbard from Excalibur. It should have been strong enough to summon... her.”

“And yet you got me.” Emiya smirks again. “So how did that happen?”

“It shouldn't.” Kiritsugu's being stubborn now. “I must have failed somehow in the ritual. Or the artifact could be fake.”

Wrong on both counts. “I can assure you that that is definitely Avalon.” And you should recognize its truth, Dad. You're the one that put it in me. “And I can tell you that whatever happened in the summoning, it wasn't because of you doing something incorrectly.”

“So then why, you?” Kiritsugu's pacing and Emiya swears he won't be responsible for what happens next if he starts circling him. He got that shit enough from Kirei.

But they're getting nowhere right now, and Emiya doesn't want to torture him. This isn't what this is about, after all. “I'll give you a hint. It isn't something you did, but who you are.”

That stops the pacing thankfully, and Kiritsugu's looking directly at him. “You're saying I'm responsible for this, but not because of anything in the ritual.”

“Exactly.”

“But then how could I override a summoning I performed?”

He's still not quite there, but he's close, so Emiya closes the deal. “I have heard of one time,” he says gently, “where a master summoned a servant she did not intend to purely because of her connection to him in life.” He neglects to mention the whole pendant catalyst factor. No need to muddy the waters further.

That hits Kiritsugu. Emiya watches his eyes sharpen, his face grow tight, his breathing hitch. “Are you saying you and I are connected?”

Not yet, Dad. “Perhaps.” Time for a distraction. “Maybe it's because we're both fellow heroes of justice.”

And wasn't that a dream a young Shirou would have had? Fighting alongside your father to save the world. Emiya used to think he outgrew it a long time ago. But that stupid thought still has the power to make his heart seize up.

Kiritsugu's not buying it, he can see, though, probably because he's a lot less trusting than a kid who's just been saved at the brink of death. “Do we know each other somehow? Have I met you before?”

“No,” he says, and Emiya's only giving an answer to one of the questions.

“But we do share something,” Kiritsugu pushes, having clearly honed on the heart of the matter.

There's more he could say now, like yes, we share the same dreams and you were all that I wanted to be in life until I realized what that meant, losing everything you cared for and everyone you loved, which meant losing you, too, long before I was able to understand who you were. Yes, you are my father, and I made myself into you and you summoned me because I was just as likely in some universe to have summoned you.

“Yes.”

And his father says nothing for a few minutes, clearly lost in thought. He's trying to figure it out, but he won't be able to yet, Emiya knows, not until they're both ready for it.

“You have a surprising amount of knowledge about the Grail War for a servant,” Kiritsugu says eventually. “I was led to believe that summoned servants possessed only the memories of their life.”

“True, that is normally the case,” Emiya says, “though I will tell you something else. There is at least one servant who has fought in a Grail War twice and remembered her first summoning during her second.”

Kiritsugu frowns. “I was never told of that.”

Of course you weren't, Kiritsugu. For one very good reason. “It hasn't happened yet.”

That surprises him, Emiya can see, for he takes a deep breath and he clutches at the chair. “Just who are you?”

“That's what you're trying to find out, aren't you?” And Emiya says it as gentle as he can, because now they're getting into areas of pain and regret for them both. There's no need to hurt each other now.

“Yes,” he mutters. “I am trying to find that out.” Kiritsugu sits back down, trying to regain control of himself. He takes another deep breath and looks at Emiya. “You still haven't answered how you know so much about the Grail War.”

Time for truth. “I know it because this isn't my first war. On either side.”

“You've been summoned before?” He's quicker now, focused on answers.

“Yes.”

“And you've summoned before.”

“Yes.” See, this is why people talk to each other, dad. To find out horrifically surprisng things about each other from each other instead of hearing about years later from people who might be trying to kill you.

“And you remember everything?”

“Yes.” Well, not everything, Emiya admits, but far more than anyone but Saber has. For all he knows, he may have fought Grail Wars in other times, other places. That's the beauty of the Grail. It gives you just enough rope to hang yourself with.

“Why?”

And that's the one question Emiya can't answer. Not fully, at any rate. Why would the Grail let keep his memory when everyone else forgets? But then why would it let Kiritsugu summon him? The only answer he can come up with is the worst one, which means it has to be true.

Granting the most painful, hopeless wish is the desire of the Grail and nothing is more hurtful and futile then letting Emiya think he can save his father from his fate, save all of his family, those by blood and those by choice. But it will let him try because maybe somewhere deep down, it shares the same desire he does, the desire to end the cycle once and for all.

He's been quiet for too long, though, because his father actually looks concerned for him. And he can't be. Not now. “That I can't answer. Maybe I'm just lucky.” He smirks, but he doesn't think it's particularly convincing this time because Kiritsugu is still staring at him, just watching,

“Luck, in my experience, has little to do with anything,” he says finally breaking eye contact.

Emiya just shrugs because he can't disagree with that. No Emiya's ever been lucky.

But Kiritsugu's piecing things together now because he's calm and focused, no longer agitated. “So you're connected to me, you have experience with the Grail War, and you're from a future that may or may not be mine.”

If this is how Kiritsugu won the Grail War, it makes perfect sense. It's all preposterous and yet completely correct. There is no doubt in Kiritsugu;s conclusion that the information he has gathered is right. A war fought with this man, Emiya thinks, would be a successful one. Too bad he's trying to make sure it doesn't happen.

“All true.”

His father stands up abruptly. There's no reason for him too. It's not as though Emiya has said anything particularly shocking within the last 30 seconds or so. But Kiritsugu's still walking over to him and now he's uncomfortable. Just what is the man up to?

“Archer,” he asks quietly. “How do I know you?”

He's standing right in front of him, and Emiya can't do anything but stare at his father and say, “Not yet.”

“No,” Kiritsugu says. “That's not going to work now.”

“We had a deal,” he says, his voice cracking despite his best effort to keep it steady. Damn Shirou for coming through at this moment. “You find out why I'm here and what I want--”

“No.” His father won't move. “Because I think what you want is very dependent on who you are.”

“You still haven't answered why I'm here?” He's floundering now. Preparations mean nothing when the man you've worshiped all your life is calmly looking at you and refusing to leave you alone.

“I think you've answered that,” he says. “You're here to fix something. Or else you wouldn't keep fighting in this war.”

It's a vague answer, but it's close enough to the truth that it can still hurt him. “What about being a hero of justice?” he asks, trying to brush it off.

“I think we both know how that works out,” his father says, and this makes him so angry that he trembles. He's angry at Kiritsugu for not telling him how having these ideals can lead you to make terrible choices that drag you down into your own hell. He's angry at his father for not being there to teach him to have a normal life.

He's angry at himself for never really listening to anyone until it was far too late.

“Well, you could have told me,” he snaps, too angry to hold himself back. Shirou's in control now and while Emiya can evade and shrug and smirk, Shirou's never been good at hiding his emotions. “You knew it would end that way and yet you didn't tell me not to do it. You just said you couldn't. You never told me I shouldn't do it.”

This isn't his plan anymore. It doesn't matter.

But it does somehow to Kiritsugu, who remains calm. “You need to tell me the truth now, Archer.”

And he's getting sick of hearing that name. So tired of it. So tired of the pretense of all of it. It may have not seemed like that long to Kiritsugu, but it's been ages since Emiya's been called by his name.

“Call me Shirou,” he says.

Kiritsugu still waits patiently. He knows there's more to it. He always knows.

“Shirou Emiya.”

He waits for the heavens to fall down.

* * *

If Kiritsugu is shocked, he doesn't show it because he's not doing anything but nodding slowly, as if this was one of the expected outcomes he had calculated long ago. “We do know each other.” Emiya can see him fitting that into his plans, a new bit of information to be analyzed and dealt with.

“Yes.” It's a relief to admit to it.

“You never denied we didn't, I noticed.”

He would. “No.”

His father doesn't move away. “From the future,” he murmurs, and then louder, “so not an ancestor. A descendant, maybe. Great-grandson? Grandson?”

There is no way Emiya can answer this question, not when the answer could break what little heart he possesses, but he has to. “Son,” he answers, trying to hold it together. “But you adopted me. I'm not related by blood.”

No point in evasion anymore. All cards on the table.

“I adopt you at some point,” Kiritsugu says, laying it out in front of him. “And at some point, you fight in a Grail War as a master. And another one as a servant. Is this all correct?”

“Yes.” It's barely audible, even to him.

“And then I summon you and--”

His father doesn't finish the sentence. Neither does Emiya. They both know how it ends now.

No one breaks the silence for a while. The castle's quiet as well. Emiya idly wonders where his sister is. There's another argument to be had there with Kiritsugu about people telling people about their siblings living in crumbling German architecture, but he can't blame him entirely for not telling him.

Confessing one of your biggest failures isn't something you to do a kid that's looking up at you with starry eyes. He hopes that Kiritsugu at least tried to get her out, but it's not as though he'll ever get an answer to that. This Kiritsugu still has his daughter.

His daughter. Just when he thought he'd finally understood Kiritsugu...

But it's too late again, isn't it. This isn't why he came.

“I know who you are,” Kiritsugu says. “I know why you're here.”

Emiya waits for it. It's inevitable now.

His father's voice is still gentle when he asks, “And now you need to tell me - what do you want?”

“I want to save you,” Shirou says. Emiya doesn't say anything.

Kiritsugu puts his hand on his shoulder. It's surprisingly weighty. His father doesn't say anything as Emiya reaches out and grasps it. There's no need for Kiritsugu to show any compassion to someone he doesn't even know, but he does anyway. Maybe that's the mystery of his dad. He's better with people he doesn't know than ones he does.

Although Saber would probably disagree. He really wishes he had asked her more about Kiritsugu, but it was clear that it caused her pain. She never talked about Irisviel after all, and she must have known her.

It's a few minutes later when Emiya's able to pull himself away and collect his thoughts. There is a plan, after all, and Kiritsugu needs to hear it. Needs to agree to it.

Needs to believe in it.

Kiritsugu lets him get his distance and sit back down on the couch, as his father takes a seat on a chair. He's waiting for him to get the words out. They both know how Emiya communication works.

“I can help you,” he says. “I can make it right.” He's waiting for the next words out of Kiritsugu's mouth. He's pretty sure he knows what they're going to be.

“Are you here to help me win the Grail? Is that why you came to me?” It's the logical conclusion. It's obviously, completely wrong.

Of course, Kiritsugu thinks that the other him lost the Grail. No one thinks that winning it is worse than losing it. It's not like the von Einzberns will acknowledge that the prize at the end of the rainbow is worthless or that no one has ever gotten anything out of an ancient, utterly futile war.

“I'm here to make sure you don't win,” he says instead and prepares for Kiritsugu's reaction.

He's back to being surprised which puts Emiya on more stable footing now. “Why?”

“Because winning the Grail means you lose everything else.”

His father starts to say something, and Shirou's in control again, desperate to convince him. “You lose your wife, your daughter, everything you believe in.” He can't stop himself. “Your wish causes a fire that kills hundreds of people and leaves children orphans.”

Kiritsugu is silent now, his eyes wide. It doesn't stop Shirou. “You want to know how you end up adopting me?”

It's cruel and cold and there's something deep inside him rejoicing to finally say it. “My parents die in the fire. You save my life and die five years later. And it repeats all over again. There's another war. Another Grail . That's how I become a master. Because nothing you ask the Grail for will ever turn out the way you want it to.”

He stops now because Kiritsugu's face is pale and horrified and he's never wanted to put that expression on his father's face. He never wanted to hurt him like that. But if it's the only way to save him, to save everyone... well, he's learned something about causing pain along the way.

“Is that true?” Kiritsugu says, his voice low and pained. “Is that what happened—will happen?”

“I can't guarantee it,” Emiya answers. He's not sure if history ever repeats itself exactly. “But you can't trust the Grail to give you anything you want. Nothing it offers is worth the price you pay.”

“Because you've paid that price.”

“And so have you. Just not yet here.”

His father isn't arguing with him. It's a relief, but also a surprise. Maybe he's had misgivings all along about this war. It wouldn't surprise Emiya to learn that Kiritsugu isn't a fervent believer in the Grail system.

“So what do you propose?” his father finally asks. He admires Kiritsugu's ability to process this and move on. Shirou was never able to master his emotions that way. “I can't exactly quit.”

“No,” he acknowledges quietly. “You can't. You have family here. If you leave, the Old Man won't let them go with you and he'll find another master to replace you. Forcefully, if he has to.” He doesn't want to say the obvious choice out loud, but there's a reason Ilya was so formidable an opponent. And the Old Man has two pawns to play with.

“And if I play along--”

“He won't let both your wife and daughter leave.”

Kiritsugu looks defeated, but nods to acknowledge the point. “Plus I risk Iri's life the longer the war goes. We no longer have Avalon's ability to protect her.”

This is the one thing Emiya can't admit to his father, even if he suspects Kiritsugu knows the truth. He cannot think of a way for sure to save that sweet woman, who after her initial surprise, welcomed him warmly, offered him tea, and said she was sure Kiritsugu and he would make a fine team.

But there is one way he might be able to try to save her. Save Ilya. Save Kiritsugu. And there's no guarantee it will work. “I have one idea,” he says.

“Yes?” Kiritsugu looks doubtful.

“Cut off the problem at the root,” he says and waits for his father to understand what he's saying.

Kiritsugu doesn't disappoint. His face pales again. “There's-- no way. You have to understand-- it's impossible.” He's at a loss for words.

Emiya's not. Whatever sins Kiritsugu thinks he's committed pale to what Emiya's done in his life as a Counter Guardian. What's one more life at this point, especially one that's lived for far too long anyways and hurt his family so much? “Command me to.”

“What?”

“You know the command seals give immense boosts in power, enabling a servant to accomplish tremendous things if they will it. And this is something I will agree to. Use all three seals and tell me to do this.” He's firm and dispassionate. He has to be. This is what Kiritsugu must agree to.

But Kiritsugu isn't moving. Isn't speaking. He's just staring at him.

“Command me,” he repeats. “And I can save you.” He sounds sure.

He's not, but he's thought of everything else and this is the only way that doesn't involve a prolonged war and a very real possibility of losing everyone. It should save Ilya. It might save Irisviel.

It will save Kiritsugu.

His father won't command him. He just watches him, helplessly as precious minutes tick by. 

“Please,” he says.

And Kiritsugu closes his eyes as Emiya walks over to him and lays his hand on his own. “This is the only way that I can think of,” he pleads. There are tears starting to well in his eyes, and he thinks distantly that he needs to tell Shirou to stop crying.

“Father.”

He thinks Kiritsugu might be crying too. He doesn't understand why. His father's strong. He never cries.

“Please.”

His father opens his eyes and reaches up to touch his hair.

“But what if I want to save you too?”


End file.
